


et si tu n'existais pas

by carrieevew



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Gen, Season/Series 05, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 23:28:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14779319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrieevew/pseuds/carrieevew
Summary: “Do we have to hide from them?” Madi asked, her voice small but eyes determined. She may have lived the last six years without the ghosts of the commanders following her around but her parents taught her well and thoroughly, and she was ready to follow their instructions.“I think we should probably stay away from them, yes.” Clarke confirmed. “Hey, maybe we can find a way to go back home, huh?” she tried to cheer her up but Madi wasn’t really buying it.or: some post 5.05 angst





	et si tu n'existais pas

**Author's Note:**

> titled after a song originally sung by Joe Dassin but listen to the [Acid Drinkers' version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6REf13bNX5Q), it's fantastic.
> 
> hope you enjoy the story!

They were unpacking the medical supplies from the rover when Clarke heard Madi wince. She looked back on the girl just in time to notice her clench her fist and hide it out of sight.

“What’s wrong?” Clarke hurried to Madi and grabbed her wrist, pulling the girl's hand for an inspection.

Madi hesitated before she opened up her palm and revealed a long, clean cut. It wasn't deep enough to leave any lasting damage to the muscle and it was already scabbed but Clarke still took a sharp breath.

"What happened?" She demanded sharply, her face etched with worry and Madi looked away. Clarke sighed and brought her other hand to Madi's cheek.

"Honey, it's okay, you can tell me," she coaxed. "What's going on?"

"Octavia said she wants to train me, that I could become her second," Madi finally relented. She was talking quietly but Clarke could see the excitement growing in Madi's eyes, could hear it in her voice. "But she said we shouldn't tell anyone about it yet," she added, and her eyes flashed with enthusiasm.

Clarke's hand tightened on Madi's, her mind going back to the fighting pit down in the bunker, to the skulls and bones adorning the walls and pillars, the blood smeared on the floor. She thought back to all the times when Octavia's guards pulled their weapons on anyone who dared speak back to their _Blodreina_ and she shuddered.

She looked down on Madi's palm, the thin, black line of her injury, and felt her blood freeze in her veins. Octavia could've chose anyone to be her second, every one of her subjects would've killed for an opportunity like that. But there was only one reason why she'd want Madi _specifically_.

Clarke couldn’t help but be taken back to the weeks, months even that she spent trying to convince Madi that she was safe, that no Flamekeeper would ever find her and that she didn't have to worry about being taken away.

She remembered how long it took Madi to trust Clarke, to stop looking over her shoulder and finally open up about what happened during _Praimfaya_. How she spent nearly two weeks, hidden in her hole, while her parents were dying away from her, ready to guard her with their lives in case someone came for her. How she was told not the show herself until one of them came to pick her up and so she stayed in there even though she was already out of food and water, but didn't want to disobey her parents who rearranged their lives and the life of their entire village to protect their little _natblida_ from ever having to fight in the Conclave.

"What else did Octavia tell you?" Clarke asked softly. She needed to know more but didn't want to scare Madi.

"That she and I were the same. That I won't have to be afraid anymore because she'd teach me how to defend herself, how to fight, how to be brave."

"Is that what you want?" Clarke asked, her voice breaking down.

"I want to be brave," Madi said with conviction, squaring her shoulders.

"Oh, sweetie," Clarke sighed and deflated. She pulled Madi close to her and hugged her tightly.

She held her like that for several long breaths until she finally loosened her grip, moved away and looked Madi in the eye, her hands still clasped on Madi's shoulders.

"You saved my life when you found Bellamy and helped him get me out. You helped the others hide from Eligius and you brought them here safely, all on your own," Clarke spoke quickly. "I can't stop you if you want to learn how to fight but you don't need to become a warrior to be brave." Clarke brought her hand to Madi's face again, her thumb rubbing softly over Madi’s cheek. "You are already the bravest person I know."

Madi held her gaze for a long, breathless moment before she nodded lightly and Clarke pulled her into another tight embrace.

She held Madi close, hoping she didn't even have to let her go, when she heard her sigh and say "okay" into Clarke's neck.

…

Clarke nearly ran towards the bunker, the main entrance now dug up from under the rubble.

She really couldn't be surprised that Madi related to Octavia the most—the girl under the floor, hidden away from the world, never to be discovered. Octavia's story, her road from the scared little girl to a fierce warrior and the champion of humanity was an inspiring one and inspiring Madi was exactly Clarke's intention when she spoke of Octavia.

But the woman who came out from that bunker wasn't the same person that Clarke saw last six years ago. Back then, she could be violent and quick to attack but now, she was almost mad with power. Clarke was scared beyond words when her guards pulled their weapons on Bellamy and she saw Octavia stall and relish in the moment before she told them to stand down. If that woman was so easy to threaten her own brother, there was no telling what she'd do to a little girl should she ever suspect her reign was threatened.

Clarke didn't lie when she promised Madi she'd let her train more—she was old enough now and there was only so much she could teach her. But she breathed easier when Madi agreed that she didn't necessarily have to learn from Octavia.

There was no telling what exactly did the Grounders—no, _Wonkru_ , believed in after all that time, but Clarke would be damned before she let any one of them even mention the Flame to Madi. There was no way she was letting her anywhere near that chip.

Clarke stormed into Octavia's throne room and, not for the first time, she was thrown by how much the bunker changed since Praimfaya. Gone was the clinical minimalism and the shiny instruments. Only the necessary components of the life support systems remained and even those were covered by the Wonkru decorations.

Octavia was sitting on her throne, looking every bit like the queen she was. Gaia was standing close behind her but hidden away in the shadows and for once, no guards were around—Octavia showing how safe and confident she was now they were back in her kingdom.

"Madi told me you wanted to train her," Clarke announced and only silence answered her, Octavia's brow cocking the only indication she was even heard. She took a deep breath and took a step closer to the throne. "I'm not gonna let that happen."

Octavia straighten in her seat and leaned forward.

"Are you, now," she mocked with a smirk. She rose from the throne and looked down at Clarke. "Madi shows so much promise."

"The child it the last true Nightblood left," Gaia spoke as she emerged from the shadows and came forward, still one step behind her queen. "And she's proven to be the strongest one of them all, for she survived Praimfaya alone. She needs to be trained and taught so she can reclaim her rightful place." Gaia's voice was certain and authoritative but while every fibre of Clarke's body was straining not to strangle her, she focused on Octavia instead.

Her head was raised high and her stance was bleeding confidence but there was no mistaking the shadow that crossed her face at Gaia's words and Clarke's suspicions were instantly confirmed. For all that Octavia was certain of her people's loyalty now, she had no idea how would they react if presented with a Nightblood ready to lead them as the True Commander; which was why she wanted Madi to stay out of sight for now.

"She is already exactly where she needs to be," Clarke said through her clenched teeth. "I won't let you lay a finger on her," she warned them and noticed Octavia's hand rest on the hilt of her sword.

Clarke swallowed tightly, worried a little that maybe she should've tried a more diplomatic approach, when they were interrupted by one of Octavia's personal guards, a woman she remembered as a food farm worker back on the Ark.

The woman sized Clarke up before she spoke. " _Blodreina_ , we have a situation."

Octavia still looked at Clarke though, challenge clear in her eyes. She stayed silent for a while before she broke the gaze and addressed her guard and Clarke used the distraction to leave the room.

…

Clarke was almost at the door when someone grabbed her arm and yanked her back. She reached for her knife before facing her opponent only to see Gaia's angry face.

"You interfered with the Ascension once before, Wanheda. You're not doing it again," she spewed and let go of Clarke's arm. "The child belongs with us."

Clarke almost growled as she grabbed Gaia, pulled her to her and pressed the knife against her throat.

"Speak of her like that one more time, I dare you," Clarke hissed into Gaia's ear. She felt the girl tense under her hold and saw fear and doubt cross Gaia's face.

"You're gonna let us go," Clarke said decidedly and released Gaia, who jumped away from her, rubbing her neck. She was opening her mouth to protest, no doubt, but Clarke never let her speak. "You're going to let us leave, stay away from us and never mention that chip again. And you're going to do that because I can't imagine Octavia being very much on board with you crowning her successor already," Clarke gambled and stood by, waiting for Gaia's reaction.

The girl shot her a murderous look but didn't say anything else. Clarke took that as her cue to leave and backed away slowly, not turning her back to Gaia until she was already out the door.

…

Clarke found Madi at a fire pit near the rover, talking to Monty and Harper, waving her hands excitedly as she was undoubtedly telling them a story. She smiled, seeing how happy Madi was to have new people around – and not just anyone but the heroes of her favourite childhood's stories. Isolation was no way to grow up.

Clarke came closer to them but nearly stopped and backtracked when she realised that Bellamy spotted her and was coming to her.

She barely spoken to him in the few days since Madi came with the rest. Since she saw Bellamy run up to Echo and kiss her, since she felt the ugly pang of jealousy hit her like a ton of bricks.

She knew that she had no right to feel disappointed or blame Bellamy for moving on and living his life but she also couldn't really stop herself. For all those years, there was always a part of her, more or less loud and certain, that hoped that when he came back, maybe they'd finally have their chance to _try_. And then, when he finally did come back and held her so tightly, she almost let herself believe.

To have that hope crushed so suddenly and thoroughly was painful in ways she never anticipated. She had a sudden urge to run that she hadn't felt in so long that it almost scared her, so she decided to keep her distance, wishing that she could move on without making her feelings known.

If only Bellamy wasn't still so good at reading her. He noticed something was wrong and tried to talk to her about it, only for Clarke to start avoiding him altogether.

She came up to Madi and put her hand on the girl's shoulder, getting her attention. Madi paused mid-sentence and looked up at Clarke, her eyes smiling. She noticed Clarke's sour expression, though, and frowned.

"Come on," Clarke said, jerking her head at the rover. "I wanna talk to you for a moment."

Madi nodded wordlessly and followed Clarke, who saw that Bellamy had reached them already and looked at them with disappointment that she ran from him once again. Clarke looked away quickly and ignored her own heart breaking just a little bit more at the sight of hurt on his face.

She and Madi reached the rover and climbed inside. Clarke shut the back door but didn’t speak just yet, trying to figure what to say. Finally, she cleared her throat and just went for it.

“I don’t want you to train with Octavia,” she said and Madi leaned closer, ready to object.

“But you said—” she protested but stopped when Clarke grabbed her hand and squeezed.

“I know, and I meant it. I don’t mind that you want to train but—” Clarke hesitated. She wanted to keep Madi as far away from this as possible but she also never lied to her or hid the truth from her, and she knew that if she started now, it would only come back to bite her in the ass later.

“Do you know Gaia?” she asked and waited for Madi to nod. “She’s—she _used t_ o be a scout for the Flamekeeper,” she said and felt Madi turn her hand in Clarke’s and squeezed her back _hard_. Madi took a sharp breath in, her eyes filling with fear. Clarke moved closer to her, stopping only inches from her face. “No, don’t be scared. I’m not gonna let them touch you I promise!”

Clarke looked at her quietly until Madi nodded again and then continued.

“I don’t know what exactly does she want from you or if she really want you to take the Flame but it case she does, I—” Clarke’s voice broke. “I know how the Flame works, what it does to a person, it can be very…  persuasive. And I don’t want you to have your choices taken away from you or to put you in any danger.”

“Do we have to hide from them?” Madi asked, her voice small but eyes determined. She may have lived the last six years without the ghosts of the commanders following her around but her parents taught her well and thoroughly, and she was ready to follow their instructions.

“I think we should probably stay away from them, yes.” Clarke confirmed. “Hey, maybe we can find a way to go back home, huh?” she tried to cheer her up but Madi wasn’t really buying it.

“Does this mean you’re gonna have to leave your friends again?” There was a tone in her voice that Clarke didn’t recognised at first but when Madi looked away from her and at the floor, Clarke realised it was shame. Madi was ashamed that because of her, Clarke was forced to part with the people whose return she awaited for so long.

Clarke put her hand under Madi’s chin and gently guided her to look up. She smiled at her and said “Don’t worry about that, honey, I’m okay with that. And besides, there are people there that I want to see, too. My mom’s there now, you know, I miss her. And you still haven’t met _Raven_ , have you?”

Madi shook her head and her expression cleared a little and Clarke pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“You are more important to me than anyone else, okay? As long as we’re together, I’m happy. You know that, right?” Clarke reassured Madi and she smiled in return.

“Maybe they’ll come with us, if we asked them?” Madi suggested, almost cheerfully. “We’ll find a place for them, won’t we?”

“Yeah,” Clarke sighed, running her hand through Madi hair, brushing them away from her face. “Maybe.”

…

Diyoza’s offer to join her people in the valley came unexpectedly and Clarke couldn’t shake her suspicions about its sincerity away. But she was also too determined to leave Wonkru behind to look the gifted horse on the mouth.

She spoke to Monty and Harper about her decision and promised them to find Murphy and Emori. She talked to Jackson who swore that neither he nor Miller would sell them out. Even Indra looked her in the eyes and quietly wished her good luck when Clarke went to check in on her.

There was still only one person she hadn’t spoken to.

“So it is true, you are leaving.”

Clarke froze at the sound of Bellamy’s voice. He may have tried to sound nonchalant but there was no hiding the emotions from his tone. And there was no running away from him this time.

“Madi and I are going home,” Clarke confirmed and turned around to look at him. She swallowed seeing the hurt in his eyes but schooled her own face. She couldn’t break down now.

“This isn’t safe, Clarke,” Bellamy opposed but she didn’t let him go on.

“ _Here_ isn’t safe, not for Madi!” Clarke exclaimed and quickly snapped her mouth shut, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention.

“They are killers, you can’t trust them!” Bellamy pressed and Clarke snorted.

“You mean, unlike your sister and her cult?” Clarke shot back and saw Bellamy clench his teeth. She hated throwing his words back at him and pushing him away like that but she couldn’t see another choice. “Madi is a true Nightblood and Gaia hasn’t forgotten her old traditions.”

Understanding flashed in Bellamy’s eyes and Clarke felt longing pull at her heart. She wanted to ask him to come with them, more than anything else. Knew that he would help her protect Madi from that fate. But she also knew that she had no right to ask that of him, for more reasons than just because she couldn’t make him choose between them and his sister.

“You don’t have to do this alone anymore, Clarke. We are with you,” Bellamy pleaded, telling her exactly what she wanted to hear for the last six years but all she could do now was smile sadly at him.

“Things have changed, Bellamy,” Clarke said, shaking her head, trying to convince them both. “You have your own people to protect now. I can’t keep you away from them.”

She didn’t need to say anything more, they both knew what she meant. Both painfully aware that Echo spent the last few days steering clear from Octavia and the only reason she hadn’t been banished again was because Octavia didn’t want to find out who’d Bellamy follow if she made him choose. And in that one respect, Clarke could relate.

Silence stretched between them and the longer Bellamy didn’t speak, the more and more pieces did Clarke’s heart break into, the hope she held out for them since the moment they first spoke in the Eligius’ holding cell gone without a trace.

Clarke blinked rapidly, trying her best to keep the unwanted tears in. She shut the doors to the rover and looked away to where Madi was saying goodbye to Monty and Harper.

“I’m glad that you’re happy,” she told him quietly and with a sad smile, instead of a million confessions that were tumbling around in her head, and chose to ignore how he suddenly looked like she’d slapped him in the face. She walked away, forcing herself not to look back at him.

This one thing she was sure of—she had missed her chance with him and now she had to learn how to live with it.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! comments and kudos will be welcomed like manna.
> 
> come and find me on tumblr @ **[carrieeve](http://carrieeve.tumblr.com)** , there's so much to scream about! :)


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